Helsinki based SoMe freelancer. Blogger. YouTuber. Instagrammer. Snapchatter.

Tuesday, 16 May 2017

Six months has passed ..

Today officially six months ago was my last day at work. It does not feel like six months ago.
Six months ago I was drained, tired, unhappy and could hardly find joy or motivation daily.

After my last day I think I just slept and ate for days.  Dreaded to look at my phone, fearing someone at work would call. I had anticipated that it would be hard to let go of the stress mode so I had booked a trip. A trip just for me for two weeks. It was a last minute deal, super cheap. It was to Mexico Cancún. I'd never been to Mexico and was actually rather nervous of going alone. But I wanted to do something different and just for me.
That was the best idea, since the quitting my job, I've had in a long time. I'll tell more about Mexico in  another blog for I'm getting sidetracked.

When I came back it was almost Christmas time and then New Years. I had though about what I'd do. I decided that the most active things I should be doing is making myself happy. Everyday, even if it was a little thing.
To me those little happy things are: sleeping well, eating well, training and now writing this blog but I'll get to that later.

When I was travelling I started toying with the idea of blogging. I thought that maybe people would like to read about someones journey from being burnt out trying to recover.
I started this blog month ago. It took so long for I was scared. Scared to say out loud that I don't feel good. That I've been depressed. It feels like I've failed somehow in life for me to have been in such low point.
That is exactly why I decided that I have to do it. Maybe sharing my experience would help someone else somehow.

When I realized that today its been six months I could not believe it. It honestly does not feel like it. I feel like I'm not 'ready' yet.
I have definitely more good days than bad days now but during last week something happened that made me realize how deep I've been and what a way to go I still have.

During one night last week I couldn't sleep. I was pumped up with energy and ideas and just wrote things down and kept visualizing and dreaming of new and exciting things.
That day I felt like I had ideas in rows just in front of me just waiting to be picked up. I felt like I finally owned my body and mind. I felt strong and confident. Anything was possible.
Until I hit few setbacks which I had tried to deal with and felt super bummed out for I had so many ideas what to do and now I had to set them back because of these stupid things.

What ensued was something I hadn't anticipated. I cried hysterically, straight for at least two hours about the fact that now all was s*it, I was s*it, nothing would ever work out, why am I even writing this blog, why am I even trying.
And then I started crying for I realized that the happy and confident feeling I had was gone and I couldn't emember the last time I've felt that way. It makes me sad now. Realizing that I can not remember when I've last felt confident, full of ideas and in control of me.

That's what I mean when I say I'm not ready yet.
I know that once I've experienced and have had that glimmer of hope I will get it back. However, I do realize now also that I still have a long way to climb up.

I will continue to do the things that make me happy, everyday something small. I know they will accumulate and I will be and feel like me again.




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