Six months ago I was drained, tired, unhappy and could hardly find joy or motivation daily.
After my last day I think I just slept and ate for days. Dreaded to look at my phone, fearing someone at work would call. I had anticipated that it would be hard to let go of the stress mode so I had booked a trip. A trip just for me for two weeks. It was a last minute deal, super cheap. It was to Mexico Cancún. I'd never been to Mexico and was actually rather nervous of going alone. But I wanted to do something different and just for me.
That was the best idea, since the quitting my job, I've had in a long time. I'll tell more about Mexico in another blog for I'm getting sidetracked.
When I came back it was almost Christmas time and then New Years. I had though about what I'd do. I decided that the most active things I should be doing is making myself happy. Everyday, even if it was a little thing.
To me those little happy things are: sleeping well, eating well, training and now writing this blog but I'll get to that later.
When I was travelling I started toying with the idea of blogging. I thought that maybe people would like to read about someones journey from being burnt out trying to recover.
I started this blog month ago. It took so long for I was scared. Scared to say out loud that I don't feel good. That I've been depressed. It feels like I've failed somehow in life for me to have been in such low point.
That is exactly why I decided that I have to do it. Maybe sharing my experience would help someone else somehow.
When I realized that today its been six months I could not believe it. It honestly does not feel like it. I feel like I'm not 'ready' yet.
I have definitely more good days than bad days now but during last week something happened that made me realize how deep I've been and what a way to go I still have.
During one night last week I couldn't sleep. I was pumped up with energy and ideas and just wrote things down and kept visualizing and dreaming of new and exciting things.
That day I felt like I had ideas in rows just in front of me just waiting to be picked up. I felt like I finally owned my body and mind. I felt strong and confident. Anything was possible.
Until I hit few setbacks which I had tried to deal with and felt super bummed out for I had so many ideas what to do and now I had to set them back because of these stupid things.
What ensued was something I hadn't anticipated. I cried hysterically, straight for at least two hours about the fact that now all was s*it, I was s*it, nothing would ever work out, why am I even writing this blog, why am I even trying.
And then I started crying for I realized that the happy and confident feeling I had was gone and I couldn't emember the last time I've felt that way. It makes me sad now. Realizing that I can not remember when I've last felt confident, full of ideas and in control of me.
That's what I mean when I say I'm not ready yet.
I know that once I've experienced and have had that glimmer of hope I will get it back. However, I do realize now also that I still have a long way to climb up.
I will continue to do the things that make me happy, everyday something small. I know they will accumulate and I will be and feel like me again.
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